Have You Ever

felt like you're losing everyone you hold so dear?

Yeah, me neither...

Wanderlust

wan·der·lust/ˈwändərˌləst/ Noun: A strong desire to travel

This is what has consumed me the past few days/weeks/months. I haven't had much time for myself to develop lately. I have just found myself in a rut that I can't seem to get out of. A rut of homework and school and trying to make a living in this world dependent of money.

I need a small vacation. I need to get up, get dressed, grab my camera and go. I need to find a Kansas map, point a direction, and drive until I find the desire to stop. 

I need to discover

I need to transform

I need to shoot something!

All for myself

I think I'll gather together a group of people who I love and who I want to get to know. I think I'll plan something for once. I'll do something way out of my comfort zone.

And maybe, I'll figure myself out.

I've Got A Lot To Learn About Kindness

and about those who give it more freely than I do.

I've got a lot to learn about many things.
And a small lifetime to learn it.

Lets go

"You put your arms around me and I'm home"

Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe this is all wrong.

Maybe I'm stupid.
Maybe I'm ignoring all the signs.
Maybe I'm selfish.
Maybe I'm blinded by the feelings and emotions I see in your eyes.

Maybe I need you.

Truthfully, I couldn't love you more than I do.
When I see your sleeping figure.
When I see your smiling face.

"You put your arms around me and I'm home."

And I love us.
All of it.
And I'm never giving up.

I am at Peace

Despite it all

I am at peace.
Maybe.

All it takes is a little faith in Him.
Can't you understand that?
Can't you help yourself?
He can help you.

Understand that you need Him, and then you will understand that you cannot control anything. You can understand that it is all part of a beautiful plan. And when that plan is fulfilled and you have left this world...you will be Happy. Content. Loved.

I am at Peace
Despite it all.

Tumblr

I've become obsessed.

I love tumblr. I love all the beautiful wonderful photos and posts and words and everything that I find on there. I love keeping it with me in my little "archives" and going and looking back at it when I need the most inspiration.

http://daniemarie97.tumblr.com/

I love it all :)



That is all <3

If You're Down...

Watch Beauty and the Beast.
Do it.
Trust me.

Disney movies ALWAYS make me cry now that I watch them when I'm older. It's kind of unbelievable.

But, I love it.

If Beauty and the Beast isn't your thing, try a different Disney movie.

You won't regret it <3

I'm in a Contest

and I would love it if you would vote for me :)

I'm having a hard time...college is turning out to be way more expensive than I once thought, and the place where I work has kinda cut my hours...so I can't even really afford anything right now. This is just a fun way to gather up more money into my savings and it would just be really fun to win something :)

I would love it so much if you would vote for me <3 It would mean more to me than you know...and it's super easy! Just go to this link: http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?qsi=56056395 and vote for my photo "Music is Life" It is a favorite of mine :)

thank you so much.

Rhythm of Love

Sometimes, I love to listen to this song and dance around my house <3
Happy Day :)

A Broken Little Heart

I have so many thoughts rushing...
through my entire body.
Especially through my heart.
Which hurts.
Like hell.

Why do we hurt one another?
We're selfish...
I find it so hard to understand the actions of people.
Including myself.

I'm hearing about all these people...all my friends' parents...getting a divorce? Unfaithfulness? Abuse? Lies?

True love being a lie?

WHAT!?
WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT!?

Why would this happen? How could someone recover from such hurt from the person they love most in this world and have committed themselves to?

Why...
Why would someone lie?
To protect a naive, innocent stupid girl?
...i can't help it.

Let's make a pact.
To do as much goodness as we can.
Maybe we can help make up for the bad...
Maybe we can heal :'(

To my friends
From a broken little heart.

Sometimes...

We make our own decisions.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is September 2, 2011...

3 years.

Document my feelings.
I'm happy.
Should I be?
I'm not sure, but I think so :)

Maybe I'm the only one who will understand this.

I Need to Trust...Don't I?

I often keep most people in my real life out of my business. I'm always so scared that I'm going to be judged...I'm always so scared for that awkward quiet moment after you open you heart and mind to someone. When they are trying to come up with something to say that won't offend me...I just can't take the heat of judgement from others. Only God understands me fully.

Only He can judge us.

Don't feel like you need to give everyone all the answers. Social networks almost force us youth to regularly update our status; we often update in anger or sorrow and then regret our decision because we have so many questioning comments. Not to mention all the drama and bullying that comes with it...

Trust. Something I need to do less? Or is it something I need to do more, with people who are worth my trust? I'm just not sure I trust anyone anymore.
I'm so scared of people not liking me and judging me. I get judged by the clothes I wear and the way I act to conceal the fact that I am actually very shy.
Judgement scares me, so I try so hard everyday not to judge others. I have been told that I'm very good at not judging...but that's not true. I judge just like everyone else on this planet does. It's human nature. I've just learned how to hide it better than others do.

I want to trust again. I hate second thoughts. I hate always wondering if the "truth" is the truth. I don't know what to do....

I can only trust God, I suppose, and will never be absolutely sure of anything accept for my faith in this lifetime.

Judgement keeps the truth hidden as well. That's something for me to think about.

But for now, I want to make sure to say that I may keep my business to myself this time. I may keep all my secrets hidden away so that others can't judge me. It is probably not exactly the best thing to do in this situation....but who do I have to turn to? Who else could understand the situation completely? Who else has been through all that I have been through?
No one...so is that who I trust this time?

This is Truth.

I hope you know that.

The Art of Creating Art

A thought for the day that I do not want to lose...

Sometimes, I believe that the true art in a photograph is the behind the scenes action. The entire process of getting all the elements of an artwork is just as important as the artwork itself. Maybe someday I will follow a photographer around and create the art of the behind the scenes look at capturing art. Just another way to show the beauty and creativity of life as we know it.

Just a thought.

My Birthday

If I could choose, I know exactly what I would want for my birthday tomorrow.

It would have to be a kitten. Something that I could pick out to be my very own companion. I'm a dog person too, but with all the things going on in my life right now, a kitten would be better suited for me.
But, because I do not live on my own, and instead with my parents who will not allow cats, I can't have a kitten. I want one so badly, though...
My horse, Apache, does not live at my house. He lives at my uncle's house in a pasture that he loves very much. He is a perfect companion, but it is so hard to visit him every day...so he can't be there for me as much as I would like (look at me, talking about animals as if they are people. I am such an animal lover). My uncle lives on a farm, so he also has some cats. There are two kittens right now, and I would love it so much if I could take one home with me. It would mean so much.

But, I suppose that it will have to wait. I will be so happy when it is possible, because I would really like to cuddle with a cat of my own. Even now, as I write this blog post in order to keep my sanity under control, I would love to have a sleeping kitten on my lap.

I'll get one someday. And I think that I will call him Lynx :) and if I was fortunate enough to get two, I would call the other one Persian. Lynx and Persian...

I know that I said I was taking a break, but this somehow feels nice. This...blogging as if nothing is wrong thing. How pathetic. But, I don't mind.

Signing off. Until next time...

I Just Want to Disappear

So,
I think that I will.
But,
Maybe I will be back again.
If I can sort all of this out.
If I can understand.
If I can get better,
and fix all my broken pieces of me.

Who knows.
Only God.
and only him.

It's not up to me anymore. I am almost lost.

Is there hope?
Do miracles exist?
I don't know, but that is all I have left. Without it, I am as good as gone.

I love you.
Thank you.

Sincerely,

a broken heart, mind, and soul.
a broken me.

Dear Beautiful You,

You who deals with me. You who reads my problems. You who understands. You who chooses to care even though you barely know me.

You who loves me.

This is for you.

Thank you for all that you are. I love you.

How Very Selfish

Yesterday was rough.

Actually, I've been having a rough few weeks. I don't know what to think anymore. I pray and I pray and I pray but I feel so alone. Sometimes, I curl into a ball like a child and cry just because I don't know what else to do. I feel very pathetic, but I'm so lost.

I have two very tough decisions to make. The first is about my body...what to do about a problem that I want to fix so badly, but am afraid of the possible consequences. The research I have been doing isn't helping much. I was never a good researcher.
The second is about my relationship. It has been going so well I thought, but there are things in life that I just can't deal with...I just can't handle some things that stress me out to the absolute max. I'm starting to wonder if he is one of those things.
If I can't handle this anymore.

But, I'm afraid of what I will do no matter what the decision. I'm afraid...can I handle any of this at all?
I don't think so.

So what am I to do?
This is a time for waiting. For hoping that God will help me through. For being patient and letting the possibilities flow through me until I select what I hope to be the right one.
Is my decision lazy? Should I just run through and take charge of my life?
That is not who I am.
I am just so timid to change.

I just want this to be over. I just want to feel better.

Dear Diary,
am i depressed?
am i depressing?
am i helping others? no, today i think only of myself and my decisions. how very selfish of me :(

How Very Selfish.

To Those Who Love

To those who hope
To those who keep going in tough times
To those who have the strength to help others even when they are hurting
To those who love

This is for you.

Sometimes, life is unbearably hard. Who am I kidding? MOST of the time, life is hard. Some people give up and turn to horrible things to keep them going. Some people just throw away their lives completely because they have no other answers.
And some people pray. Some people understand that we were not made for this world. How can we fit in when we were not meant to be here? So, shine like a star. Do something different. Speak whatever your heart desires, and keep going until your last dying breath. Then, He will look upon you with such love and kindness and you will be truly happy...forever.
Isn't that worth it?
I think so. I love all the people who I have met online and the people in my life who keep me going through tough times. We can not get through this world alone. We will never be able to understand the troubles of life until we leave it.
Until then, keep going. Keep pushing by and keep your loved ones as close as you keep your heart. Then, you will conquer the danger and agony and horribleness of the world. Then, you will be able to see the beauty of life as God created it. You will wake up in the morning (as i did today) and sigh in relief. One more day to spread kindness. One more day to try to be the best person I can be. One more day to spend with my loved ones and just be me.

This is probably as light of a post as I can come up with. I do feel light and wonderful today. I know that it will be a good day. I will do my hair, put on a little makeup, grab my camera, and shoot for the stars.

I love you. You who reads this. You who understands. You who loves me.

Now go and do the same. 

I just want you to love me.

More than anything, I just want to understand.
I want to stop with this over analyzing and questioning every little detail of our life.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to get off of this roller coaster. It's becoming too much for me.

Sometimes, I don't feel good enough...for anyone.

I feel wayyyyy too serious.

I need something light; something simple.

I'll post something light and simple and happy and easy soon. Hopefully. I desperately need things to slow down. Before I break.

Until then, I hope that the people I'm praying for are doing better. McKayla and Erin, I love you both so dearly.

Word Jam

Having a word jam is probably the saddest thing for me right now.

I have no inspiration. I can't just grab my camera and go...I can't just sit here and type out a novel...Where has my mind gone to?

I think it's because of money. When it all comes down to it...it's all got to do with money. I would love to just give prints of my favorite photos to everyone in this world. I would love to just stand on a busy street and throw a hundred photos into the air...and wait for them to drop into the hands of someone who needs a work of joy. But, alas, I need money...so I sell my work.
People keep bringing up our economy in front of me...that's all I seem to be hearing about...it scares me so much :( I don't like thinking of the future right now, because all I can think about is money, and how horrible it is.

I hate how much people rely on money. I hate how much it defines us. I know and understand how much we need it to survive in this day in age.

I feel no inspiration because of the weight of the world on me right now. The weight of paying for college all by myself...gripping onto the lifeline of my student loans. I would love to just quit it and live my life as a self-taught photographer...I learn better on my own anyways.
BUT, what would my family think? How could I even try to find a job nowadays without a college degree? I'm not special. I'm a nobody.
Well, I know I'm not a nobody to the people in my life. But, when it comes to others...those strangers on the street who I would bring joy...I am a nobody. Just another face in this depressing world.

But, that's not what God wants us to do. He is so much a part of my life. I have been praying a lot more lately, because of money...and a lack of it. I have been praying that He will take care of me and the man I love, and I know that He is listening :)
Maybe someday, if I'm able, God will grant me my wish. He will allow me to find some spare change in order to print off 100 photos. I will stand on a roof of a building overlooking a crowded gathering of people. Maybe they will be about to listen to a jazz concert or maybe it's a gathering for a motivational convention. I will stand on that roof, and let the wind take my photos and blow them all away to the ones who need happiness...a photo to brighten their day.

"How unrealistic!" Some might say...

With God, all things are possible
With God, I have strength
With God, I find the will to write in a Word Jam
With God, I have found love in the smallest places
With God, I am me.

I love you, and you love me.
I want to inspire you.

End of uninspired jibberish. Maybe soon I will have more to write about.

P.S. - I am very excited to be selling my prints on my Facebook page. I want you to know about it!
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=151094034969373

And I'm on My Way to Believing...

The lyrics of Paramore hold such truth.

Relationships nowadays are so fleeting and cold. Sometimes I wonder what happened to that deep passion; that lasting love that doesn't age as we do.
There is so much hatred in the world.

lust
unfaithfulness
one night stands
Lies

Our society today has spouted out so many lies about love; they have blinded the people and made them believe that lust and love are one in the same.
I am here to say otherwise.
As quoted in one of my favorite recently watched movies (Beastly) "What happened to sappy, soppy handwritten love letters?"
It is still there! I have found it...a love that practices abstinence even after 3 years! A love that knows no boundaries...a love that gets through the hardest times.

If you haven't found that kind of love yet, PLEASE do not give up! I promise you that there are still men out there that value you for who you are. There are still women who contain beautiful self respect and purity.
It is getting harder to find these people in our dying world, but I promise that they are out there.
I love my Matthew more than anything on this planet...even myself. This kind of love is what they write about in books; what some girls my age think that they will never find.

I know that this post is probably pretty sappy and detailed, and might make you want to vomit, but please do not brush it off. Please understand that you will find someone, someday. Someone who can make you happy even in your darkest days. Someone who you are proud to call your best friend. Someone who is there when everyone else turns away. Someone who you will want to spend forever with. Someone who you can face the world with.

If you are struggling; if this relationship stuff gets hard...just ask God for help. After all, he made someone to be your perfect soul mate, and he can help show you the way. All you have to do is ask.

I have been through my share of hurt. I have been cut so deeply that I thought I would never heal. I have cried so many nights because of pain I thought would never end.
But, after finding Matthew, I am glad that I learned from my mistakes. I am glad that I can look at him and think, "This one. This one is for me." And I know he feels the exact same way. There's no better feeling than knowing someone loves you as much as you love them.
And do not think that this kind of love is perfect. The only love that is perfect is the love God has for us. Matthew and I have fought so much...we have had to forgive each other for deep hurt so many times. We have had to go through times that were so hard, we questioned our sanity as well as our relationship. But, we always know that we will pull through it. We know that our love for each other is stronger than that. THAT is what keeps us together. Our belief in the deep connection that we have. Our love keeps us from giving up.

Love is the closest thing we have to magic.
Love is the closest thing to sprouting wings and flying off into the distance.
Love is the only thing that holds us together in this crazy world.
Love is immortality.

And I'm on my way to believing in it.

I Want to Be

"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled; the one who could brighten up your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own."

This phrase keeps popping up inside my head.
I've been doing such a bad job of this lately.
I think of myself all the time.
I seem so selfless; but really, I am the most selfish person I know.

I want to be better.
I want to be better.
I want to be better.

So many people...I have met so many people who inspire me to be a better person.

Matthew
Linda and Terry
Erin
Jordan
Rebecca
McKayla
Victoria
Adriane

These names...these beautiful people... they mean so much.

These people...plus so many more. These are just a few people who have found their way into my life and pricked my heart. They have shown me what it is like to be completely selfless...to reach out to someone just because they need it.
That should be proof enough that there is a God up there. And He loves us all.
He loves us.
He loves me...even though I hurt Him every day. Even though I turn away from Him. Even though sometimes I only stay in contact to ask Him for help in my life. Me; myself; my; I

I want to inspire others. I want to help others. I want to be selfless. I want people to know the "me" that I want to be; who I strive to be.
I want God to look down and smile...and tell me that He is proud; so proud to call me His daughter.

I want to be like you.
I do.
You're so beautiful.

This boy loves me, and I honestly don't know why. 

Feathers

I feel like blogging about this.

I don't usually like things that are in fashion. I usually like them beforehand or after the phase is over. But, for some reason I have become obsessed with these beautiful feather creations that are "in" right now.

I found a gift card to Hobby Lobby from way back when I graduated, and I had to use it to buy a whole bunch of beautiful feathers. I did a bunch of research on how to make them, and now I can't seem to stop creating new feather extensions and earrings.

I think it's a big stress reliever. People need something like that to get away from their crazy lives. Something that helps ease the pain of this world. Usually, for me, that means going outside and shooting a million photos. BUT, lately it has been over 100 degrees outside, and it only takes about ten minutes out in that heat for me to start drowning in my own pool of sweat. Disgusting, I know...
So I have had to find a new hobby.

I think that having more than one hobby is so vital. I love to read (LOVE it) because it takes me to far away lands and stories that I can put myself into. I love to create trinkets; like my feather creations, and other things like beaded necklaces and bracelets. It all depends on what I'm feeling like.

I can't seem to stop making these feathers, so my family and friends are urging me to sell them. Oh my goodness, whenever someone tells me that I should sell something that I made...something created by little old me...it makes me so happy :)
I'm thinking that I should start selling a few. Not really for profit; mostly just so that I can redeem myself for the cost of materials. I love doing something that makes others happy, and with all the feedback I have gotten before even really starting selling the feathers, I know that this will make someone's day brighter.

I have always been very spiritual; but I have also loved the outdoors. I love learning about Native Americans, so naturally I find myself drawn to these feather creations. I even started looking up Native American color meanings, which is probably some of the most interesting information that I have come across.

Sometimes, I would love to be an Indian girl :) Maybe that's just my crazy fantasy.

Anyway, I wanted to blog about this in order to keep myself positive as I start to create these feathers for others. Another way to make people smile :)

"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiled; the one who could always brighten your day, even if she couldn't brighten her own."

Stop the world; I wanna get off.

*warning: sad post*

Ugh, I hate doing this. I hate subjecting myself to writing sad things, when all I want is to make someone happy.

That's all I want. But, it's so hard sometimes. It really catches up to me, and I find myself so confused and alone and withdrawing within myself. Which, doesn't help anyone.

Tonight, I failed. I failed myself. I gave in and let it win me over. I hurt the one I love; even though there is no one to blame but myself.
I was told to "think of myself for once in my life." I was told to fight for what I wanted even though it goes against what I have always been. Fragile. Sensitive. Always self-giving.

I just need help.
Don't we all, I suppose?
I feel so selfish when I ask for help. Especially when some people aren't sympathetic towards me. How can it be helped, though, when they obviously don't understand? I can't blame them for it.

I had to get this out. I had to be able to publish this just for the sake of going back and (hopefully laughing at myself?) understanding what I was thinking this night. This moment.

I. Don't. Know. What. To. Do.

I don't want to be that girl. The one who brings the ones she love down with her selfish depression. But, I also don't want to have to rely on anything but my own motives.

Things to do:
Start going on walks. It's a way to work out, and a way to get away from my problems. endorphins =happy?
Stand up for what I want. *Gulp*
Try to understand, and to help people more understand me.
Try to...not be so sensitive.
Stay true to myself.
Pray
Pray
Pray
and hope.

A small "to do" list.

I apologize for this sadness...
but wait, should I not apologize?
I feel better after writing it...so maybe not.
Yeah.
I don't apologize :)

I think instead of *warning: sad post* it should have been *warning: bipolar post*

I Have So Much To Say

Have you ever felt this buzzing of inspiration that you can't squelch inside of you no matter how hard you try?

I have so much to say right now, but can't find the words to describe this feeling.

I want to travel. Right now. Follow the road until I find sandy beaches and deathly high cliffs. I want to take a picture every five minutes along a journey so I never forget this feeling. I want to travel to the big city, and follow a stranger down a path of new discovery. I want to see the lights of San Francisco. I want to understand what it feels like to wade through a marshland in the early morning. I want to stand in a meadow of wildflowers and scream my heart out that I love this world; that I love God. 

Exhilaration

Flickr: a place where a photographer can share her little piece of the world, and follow others to their special places without ever having to leave the comfort of her bedroom. Every single one of my Flickr contacts inspires me so much. If I had one wish right now, I would ask for a day with each of my contacts; to follow them around on their photo journeys. To get a behind the scenes look at how they work and how they construct their passions that are so similar to my own. 

Now, as I begin to slow down...and the buzzing in my head lessens...I can take a break on this blog post. I don't think that I've ever typed that fast in my life. I am just happy that I was able to get it all out in time before the intensity of this inspirational feeling faded. 

I feel like today is going to be very productive. I think I'll clean my room; wash my car; take a walk; take a photo that isn't planned or set up; visit a friend; kiss my boy; dress in an outfit that is more than just a means to cover my skin.

I love this Earth. I woke up from a bad dream this morning...there is such hatred in the world! But, when we can step out of our ruts and realize that we are made for something more...we are not meant for this world...then we can come to appreciate it a little more. I hope so much to travel to distant lands before my time here is over. 

I don't want to miss a thing.

That First Step

That first step is always the hardest step.
I don't know why I love this photo; it is "incorrect" in every way. It is much too grainy, it is somewhat blurry, the focus isn't what I was planning on, the colors are dull.
But, I love it. Imperfection is beauty, don't you know?

Maybe it's just fun to step out of the boundaries and rules of photography. Push the grain and push the overexposure until I feel confident in my rule breaking.

Be original. Don't do what everyone else is doing, even if they tease you for it. I live by these words. I always wore different clothes in high school. I liked to dress in different styles all the time, and I always went all out with it. I had it in me that I wanted to be a fashion designer. I got teased and made fun of so many times but still kept trying to stand by what I wanted...to this day I still dress somewhat differently. No one will ever be able to figure out my sense of style, because I have so many different styles as ever changing as the days <3 Clothing is a huge way of expressing what I am feeling or going through. Each outfit is just another one of my works of art. Maybe I am still a fashion designer at heart hehe :)

End of babbling for the night. I feel like this blog post was a fail, but at least it was something.

P.S. - New member of the family: Marbles the guinea pig. My sister is in love. Pictures soon.
P.P.S. - I cuddled with the most adorable and sweet and loving dog I've ever had the privilege to know tonight. I am such an animal person <3
P.P.P.S. - I think I had a good day today. Mended some wounds that needed some serious mending. Still unsure, but healing will help I think.

So I Watched This Movie...

...that changed my life.

It was beautiful

It was depressing

It was unbelievable

It was unrealistic

It was so realistic

It was kind

It was lovely 

It was amazing.

...and I will never be the same.

I came home yesterday and was greeted by my favorite person in this world. I literally ran and jumped into his arms and my family started laughing at me. Him and I could do nothing but stare at each other all night. I wanted to soak him in completely. Who knew that just a week away would make me feel so empty. I feel so empty without him.

He kept telling me that I was his last night. "Danielle, you are all mine and I won't share you with anyone!" Tears filled my eyes because I felt the sparks of new love even after three years.

To get that feeling...even after so long. That is true love, right? I like to think so.

I am sorry to be sappy and gross and silly and weird, but that is me I suppose. 

He picked out this movie. Said I would like it because it looked like it would be tear-jerking. He did not think that he would by crying by the end of it as well.

It is called Seven Pounds. It is confusing...I had to pay so much attention, but that was the fun part. A movie with so much meaning.

I love movies like that. If you haven't seen it, WATCH IT! Watch it with someone you love dearly. A parent, a best friend, a lover.

It is so beautiful.

It gives me hope for this world.

And Will Smith is in it, and I think that he is easily one of my favorite actors of all time.

I am back, my blog. I will be posting a lot to keep up with my frantic life.

And, I mean it.

Watch it.

Words from the Saddened

Sadness

Something so common in this world. I have been feeling so alone lately. Even those closest to me have hurt me so much...who can I trust? Who can I turn to?

There is only one.
He is my hero and one true friend and father.
and I love Him.

I have been thinking a lot lately. Probably too much, to be in fact.
I pray for others, I pray for strength, I pray for knowledge to do the right thing.
Living life here on Earth is hard.
Sometimes....I just wish that God could float me away to heaven....I wish that so badly.

But, then my conscious reminds me that I have so much still here for me. I would be leaving too much behind...too many people questioning why I left so early.

Sadness

A word and a feeling very difficult to overcome.
I meet new people every day, and sometimes I can just feel the sadness seep off of them.
I want to help them all.
But, where would I start?!
The world is very cruel.

So I turn them to God. Or, I try to. Because only He will truly know what to do about this horrible word/feeling. Only He has the answers we so desperately wish for.

Anyway, end of sadness rant/depressing blog post.

<3
Pour Me Out

My Obsession

I have an obsession with how people think. What goes on in the mind of a drug addict? What is a person thinking about while they are cheating on their spouse? Why do people turn to selling their bodies when times get rough? 

What is it like to have a real human being growing inside of your womb?

What is the biggest worry of a millionaire? 

Why do we make bad choices?

Why do we make good choices?

If I wasn't so set in photography, I know that I would find myself following the path to become a psychologist. I am a people-watcher. I like to sit in a cafe while drinking coffee, indie music softly playing in my ears, while I sit and sketch the people around me. None of my sketches are very good, but they make me feel something. Something much bigger than myself.


I recently bought a CD from a band that means a lot to me. I used to be in a rock band...I watched the party life go on all around me. I was not tempted to partake, but I constantly watched, listened, and analyzed everything that went on. Often with a puzzled look on my - what they liked to call - "innocent" face. Maybe it's better to be innocent though. I would like to think so. 

Nikki Sixx is the lead singer in the band Sixx AM. I read his first book, "The Heroine Diaries," which was an autobiography of the life of a rock star. The things that I read broke my heart, and even sometimes made me feel sick. How could someone do so much harm to their body and still live? How could someone find happiness in a life they themselves describe as "empty"...? 

These are the thoughts spinning through my head on this summer evening. I sit and listen to my new Sixx AM CD, and try to learn more about regret. Maybe I can learn the easy way from people who were not so lucky...

Maybe I Can Understand

Beautiful lyrics. Beautiful rock melodies (no, not metal). If you are like me - and have an obsession with learning how people think - then maybe you would like to explore something that is just a little out of your comfort zone too.

Skin by Sixx AM

(This is not my video. I do not take credit for it.)

You Are Not Your Skin

Who I Am

I'm trying so hard to figure this out

My potential, my being, my life.

It's so hard to put it all into words...

Stand in front of the camera, raw and as you are.

I grabbed a sweatshirt to hide my face. I can't help but have secrets hidden deep inside. How can I show you all of me when I'm scared to figure myself out completely? 

Maybe someday it will become clear to me. Maybe someday I can stand in front of my camera with no fear; and be like all those other girls...the ones with confidence and flair. 

Maybe someday the whole world might understand females a little better.

Maybe someday humanity will understand itself.

Maybe someday

Maybe

Until then, I sign off as a confused little girl

Understanding a little more every day.

We aren't meant to have the answers.

He is,

and we will know in time. 

For you.

For Erin.

For me?

Thank You.

Is Love Enough?

If I told you that I love you.

If I meant it true and true.

If I told you that you meant the world

If I screamed that all I wanted

Out of this cruel world

Was a place by your side

Always and forever

If I made a mistake

If I told a lie

If I hurt you deep

If I wanted to say goodbye...

Is Love Enough?

Tell me, is it?

Is it worth all the pain and suffering?

Is it really better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all?

These questions are asked in a time of sorrow. In a time of fighting non-stop between lovers. In a time of passion, of fury, of love.

A time to cry

A time to scream

A time to let go..........

These are the cluttered thoughts running through my brain.

I love love. 

I hate love.

Love heals.

Love burns.

Is it worth it? 

You tell me. My answer is in my heart.

It is in my thoughts.

It is in my actions.

It is in my veins. 

I won't let you go.

This is Me

Artistic

Messy

Happy

Worrisome

In love with love

Sometimes lonely

Sometimes sad

Sometimes desperate to help others

Awkward? Oh yes.

Outgoing? Only when I need to be.

Lonely? Of course; our world is overwhelming.

God is so much a part of my life that I couldn't keep him out if I tried. He helps me so much every day. Without him I would surely be dead by now. He has a plan for me, though. Of that I am sure. I love Him.

I'm in love with music. In fact, I'm listening to it right now. Evanescence.
I dress like a hippie. I love yanking my shirts down to expose one or both of my shoulders. I'm in love with shoulders. They're my favorite. I love wearing baggy clothes; comfort is first. 

I love meeting new people. I love finding new friends. Our lives are too short to keep to ourselves.

Photography is my small space in this world. It is what distinguishes me from others. It is my zen.

I love you. I want to help you. Is that weird? Maybe. I have a love for people. Portrait photography is my favorite.

People inspire me. 

You inspire me.

I want to inspire you.

I stay up late to create silly blog posts for my web diary. 

I like to share secrets; it makes me feel closer to you...and to me. 

I am a "social network junkie."

I am in love. So in love. <3

I think too much. I am an over-analyzer.

That is me in a nutshell. A silly little girl trying to make it in the world. Trying to do my best to help others; to help you. Desperate for your love. 

Lately

I've been feeling so emotional lately, and it's strange. 

My dear pen pal (who I feel closer to than a lot of my friends here in Kansas) is going through such tough times, and it is almost like I can feel her pain...it makes me cling to the things I love closer, because I'm so scared to lose them. 

Two people have drowned in the lake near my home within a week's time. I did not know them, but I started to cry yesterday because people were making jokes about it on their status. Things like "Ew, people should stop dying in the lake...i swim in that!" Such immature and horrible words to proclaim death...It broke my heart.

My best friend on this entire planet is going through some tough times himself as well...He is having such a hard time balancing all the people in his life. He moved back home for the summer, and I was so excited because he is less than a block away from me now (our families are practically neighbors) but now I feel selfish...I feel like it is my fault that he is having problems with his family; because I pleaded so much for him to move back home for his second semester at college. I love him so much; so much that I would let him go if I had to.

I am so lucky in life. I have such great friends who have participated in my recent photo contest :) So many willing to come out in their crazy costumes and help out that silly little cause named Danielle. Such thankfulness.

See what I mean about the emotion? 

Emotion is love. Love is emotion.

Another abandonment photo would be appropriate, I think. I hope to create a book filled with abandoned things. A book of hope for our human race. 

Fragility

No photo tonight. I thought that I would post a music link by City and Colour instead.


I'm feeling very fragile lately. Sensitive and fragile. The strong winds of Kansas could blow me away. My life is passing by, and sometimes I get discouraged. I know that I have to keep trying, though. Even though I fail, I have to get back up. I have to do it for the ones who truly believe in me. I have to do it for the unspoken inspirations in my life, for those whom I love so dearly, for those who lead me to better days.


And, I have to do it for myself. To prove that I am stronger than what they give me credit for. Every time I fall down; every time someone hurts me...God, give me strength to turn the pain into good <3


City and Colour, everyone :)

(This is not my image. I "Google searched" this one)


Save Your Scissors

Living in a World of Abandonment

We all feel alone sometimes.


I keep thinking about certain aspects of my life right now. It's weird, but sometimes I wonder if the people closest to me even care or want to care about my life, or getting to know me. So many of my "friends" haven't even seen my photography...or cared to ask about it.
I guess it's different for some people. I've always had a love for people in general, that is why I've turned to Portraiture with such passion. I try to get to know all my friends and keep in touch with them constantly, learning their passions, knowledge, pet peeves, everything.
I suppose I give out too much to expect in return. Strange.
Those who do care though...they mean so much to me. Abandonment. That's how I feel when I do not think of these people; the ones who support me and love me no matter what.
We are not like things of this earth; the abandoned couch in the middle of the woods, the poor puppy dropped off in the middle of a country road, the toy doll who you grew up with. We are cherished and loved by the one who created us. We Are Not Alone.
I try very hard to remind myself of this in hard times. It helps me through <3 It is tough to live in a world that seems very uncaring. The ones who do care, though, make it all worth while.


Thank you. Thank you to all those who care. Maybe someday, the world will care. Living in a world of abandonment will cease.

Growing Up...

I had to be there for my little sister last night…she fell and gashed her forehead and it was bleeding. I kind of  freaked out but I tried really hard to hide it because she was so scared and she kept whimpering. I had to hold a washcloth to her forehead and ended up getting blood on me. I’m so squeamish…I felt so helpless and weak.

Times like these…make me feel so small. I called my mom and she was home in ten minutes. I was praying the whole time. It wasn’t even that big of a deal; my sister will be alright (maybe a few stitches). But, it just makes me wonder if I’m ready for this adult stuff…I held my ground and didn’t cry or get sick…until after my mom took her away to the minor emergency room. Then, I hid in my closet and bawled my eyes out.

I have so much love for my sister, and hate to see her in pain. It’s so hard to be strong in times like these…but I knew that I had to be. For her.

Too much thinking. Lots of Praying. Much to learn.
(Image below is not mine. I "Google Searched" it.)

This song: <3 Listen
The Cave

Starting Anew

I think that I’m going to start a blog…it will take a while to get into, and it will take a while to fully understand all these unusual buttons and options. This is a slow process, but I think that it will be worth it.

I have a passion for writing and reading as well as photography. I think that I will be posting many different things on this blog, from music to writing to photography to art to anything else that interests me. This is an experiment that I hope is very successful.

Happy blogging, people of this world <3