How Very Selfish

Yesterday was rough.

Actually, I've been having a rough few weeks. I don't know what to think anymore. I pray and I pray and I pray but I feel so alone. Sometimes, I curl into a ball like a child and cry just because I don't know what else to do. I feel very pathetic, but I'm so lost.

I have two very tough decisions to make. The first is about my body...what to do about a problem that I want to fix so badly, but am afraid of the possible consequences. The research I have been doing isn't helping much. I was never a good researcher.
The second is about my relationship. It has been going so well I thought, but there are things in life that I just can't deal with...I just can't handle some things that stress me out to the absolute max. I'm starting to wonder if he is one of those things.
If I can't handle this anymore.

But, I'm afraid of what I will do no matter what the decision. I'm afraid...can I handle any of this at all?
I don't think so.

So what am I to do?
This is a time for waiting. For hoping that God will help me through. For being patient and letting the possibilities flow through me until I select what I hope to be the right one.
Is my decision lazy? Should I just run through and take charge of my life?
That is not who I am.
I am just so timid to change.

I just want this to be over. I just want to feel better.

Dear Diary,
am i depressed?
am i depressing?
am i helping others? no, today i think only of myself and my decisions. how very selfish of me :(

How Very Selfish.