I Need to Trust...Don't I?

I often keep most people in my real life out of my business. I'm always so scared that I'm going to be judged...I'm always so scared for that awkward quiet moment after you open you heart and mind to someone. When they are trying to come up with something to say that won't offend me...I just can't take the heat of judgement from others. Only God understands me fully.

Only He can judge us.

Don't feel like you need to give everyone all the answers. Social networks almost force us youth to regularly update our status; we often update in anger or sorrow and then regret our decision because we have so many questioning comments. Not to mention all the drama and bullying that comes with it...

Trust. Something I need to do less? Or is it something I need to do more, with people who are worth my trust? I'm just not sure I trust anyone anymore.
I'm so scared of people not liking me and judging me. I get judged by the clothes I wear and the way I act to conceal the fact that I am actually very shy.
Judgement scares me, so I try so hard everyday not to judge others. I have been told that I'm very good at not judging...but that's not true. I judge just like everyone else on this planet does. It's human nature. I've just learned how to hide it better than others do.

I want to trust again. I hate second thoughts. I hate always wondering if the "truth" is the truth. I don't know what to do....

I can only trust God, I suppose, and will never be absolutely sure of anything accept for my faith in this lifetime.

Judgement keeps the truth hidden as well. That's something for me to think about.

But for now, I want to make sure to say that I may keep my business to myself this time. I may keep all my secrets hidden away so that others can't judge me. It is probably not exactly the best thing to do in this situation....but who do I have to turn to? Who else could understand the situation completely? Who else has been through all that I have been through?
No one...so is that who I trust this time?

This is Truth.

I hope you know that.

The Art of Creating Art

A thought for the day that I do not want to lose...

Sometimes, I believe that the true art in a photograph is the behind the scenes action. The entire process of getting all the elements of an artwork is just as important as the artwork itself. Maybe someday I will follow a photographer around and create the art of the behind the scenes look at capturing art. Just another way to show the beauty and creativity of life as we know it.

Just a thought.

My Birthday

If I could choose, I know exactly what I would want for my birthday tomorrow.

It would have to be a kitten. Something that I could pick out to be my very own companion. I'm a dog person too, but with all the things going on in my life right now, a kitten would be better suited for me.
But, because I do not live on my own, and instead with my parents who will not allow cats, I can't have a kitten. I want one so badly, though...
My horse, Apache, does not live at my house. He lives at my uncle's house in a pasture that he loves very much. He is a perfect companion, but it is so hard to visit him every day...so he can't be there for me as much as I would like (look at me, talking about animals as if they are people. I am such an animal lover). My uncle lives on a farm, so he also has some cats. There are two kittens right now, and I would love it so much if I could take one home with me. It would mean so much.

But, I suppose that it will have to wait. I will be so happy when it is possible, because I would really like to cuddle with a cat of my own. Even now, as I write this blog post in order to keep my sanity under control, I would love to have a sleeping kitten on my lap.

I'll get one someday. And I think that I will call him Lynx :) and if I was fortunate enough to get two, I would call the other one Persian. Lynx and Persian...

I know that I said I was taking a break, but this somehow feels nice. This...blogging as if nothing is wrong thing. How pathetic. But, I don't mind.

Signing off. Until next time...

I Just Want to Disappear

So,
I think that I will.
But,
Maybe I will be back again.
If I can sort all of this out.
If I can understand.
If I can get better,
and fix all my broken pieces of me.

Who knows.
Only God.
and only him.

It's not up to me anymore. I am almost lost.

Is there hope?
Do miracles exist?
I don't know, but that is all I have left. Without it, I am as good as gone.

I love you.
Thank you.

Sincerely,

a broken heart, mind, and soul.
a broken me.

Dear Beautiful You,

You who deals with me. You who reads my problems. You who understands. You who chooses to care even though you barely know me.

You who loves me.

This is for you.

Thank you for all that you are. I love you.

How Very Selfish

Yesterday was rough.

Actually, I've been having a rough few weeks. I don't know what to think anymore. I pray and I pray and I pray but I feel so alone. Sometimes, I curl into a ball like a child and cry just because I don't know what else to do. I feel very pathetic, but I'm so lost.

I have two very tough decisions to make. The first is about my body...what to do about a problem that I want to fix so badly, but am afraid of the possible consequences. The research I have been doing isn't helping much. I was never a good researcher.
The second is about my relationship. It has been going so well I thought, but there are things in life that I just can't deal with...I just can't handle some things that stress me out to the absolute max. I'm starting to wonder if he is one of those things.
If I can't handle this anymore.

But, I'm afraid of what I will do no matter what the decision. I'm afraid...can I handle any of this at all?
I don't think so.

So what am I to do?
This is a time for waiting. For hoping that God will help me through. For being patient and letting the possibilities flow through me until I select what I hope to be the right one.
Is my decision lazy? Should I just run through and take charge of my life?
That is not who I am.
I am just so timid to change.

I just want this to be over. I just want to feel better.

Dear Diary,
am i depressed?
am i depressing?
am i helping others? no, today i think only of myself and my decisions. how very selfish of me :(

How Very Selfish.

To Those Who Love

To those who hope
To those who keep going in tough times
To those who have the strength to help others even when they are hurting
To those who love

This is for you.

Sometimes, life is unbearably hard. Who am I kidding? MOST of the time, life is hard. Some people give up and turn to horrible things to keep them going. Some people just throw away their lives completely because they have no other answers.
And some people pray. Some people understand that we were not made for this world. How can we fit in when we were not meant to be here? So, shine like a star. Do something different. Speak whatever your heart desires, and keep going until your last dying breath. Then, He will look upon you with such love and kindness and you will be truly happy...forever.
Isn't that worth it?
I think so. I love all the people who I have met online and the people in my life who keep me going through tough times. We can not get through this world alone. We will never be able to understand the troubles of life until we leave it.
Until then, keep going. Keep pushing by and keep your loved ones as close as you keep your heart. Then, you will conquer the danger and agony and horribleness of the world. Then, you will be able to see the beauty of life as God created it. You will wake up in the morning (as i did today) and sigh in relief. One more day to spread kindness. One more day to try to be the best person I can be. One more day to spend with my loved ones and just be me.

This is probably as light of a post as I can come up with. I do feel light and wonderful today. I know that it will be a good day. I will do my hair, put on a little makeup, grab my camera, and shoot for the stars.

I love you. You who reads this. You who understands. You who loves me.

Now go and do the same. 

I just want you to love me.

More than anything, I just want to understand.
I want to stop with this over analyzing and questioning every little detail of our life.

I just want to feel okay.

I want to get off of this roller coaster. It's becoming too much for me.

Sometimes, I don't feel good enough...for anyone.

I feel wayyyyy too serious.

I need something light; something simple.

I'll post something light and simple and happy and easy soon. Hopefully. I desperately need things to slow down. Before I break.

Until then, I hope that the people I'm praying for are doing better. McKayla and Erin, I love you both so dearly.

Word Jam

Having a word jam is probably the saddest thing for me right now.

I have no inspiration. I can't just grab my camera and go...I can't just sit here and type out a novel...Where has my mind gone to?

I think it's because of money. When it all comes down to it...it's all got to do with money. I would love to just give prints of my favorite photos to everyone in this world. I would love to just stand on a busy street and throw a hundred photos into the air...and wait for them to drop into the hands of someone who needs a work of joy. But, alas, I need money...so I sell my work.
People keep bringing up our economy in front of me...that's all I seem to be hearing about...it scares me so much :( I don't like thinking of the future right now, because all I can think about is money, and how horrible it is.

I hate how much people rely on money. I hate how much it defines us. I know and understand how much we need it to survive in this day in age.

I feel no inspiration because of the weight of the world on me right now. The weight of paying for college all by myself...gripping onto the lifeline of my student loans. I would love to just quit it and live my life as a self-taught photographer...I learn better on my own anyways.
BUT, what would my family think? How could I even try to find a job nowadays without a college degree? I'm not special. I'm a nobody.
Well, I know I'm not a nobody to the people in my life. But, when it comes to others...those strangers on the street who I would bring joy...I am a nobody. Just another face in this depressing world.

But, that's not what God wants us to do. He is so much a part of my life. I have been praying a lot more lately, because of money...and a lack of it. I have been praying that He will take care of me and the man I love, and I know that He is listening :)
Maybe someday, if I'm able, God will grant me my wish. He will allow me to find some spare change in order to print off 100 photos. I will stand on a roof of a building overlooking a crowded gathering of people. Maybe they will be about to listen to a jazz concert or maybe it's a gathering for a motivational convention. I will stand on that roof, and let the wind take my photos and blow them all away to the ones who need happiness...a photo to brighten their day.

"How unrealistic!" Some might say...

With God, all things are possible
With God, I have strength
With God, I find the will to write in a Word Jam
With God, I have found love in the smallest places
With God, I am me.

I love you, and you love me.
I want to inspire you.

End of uninspired jibberish. Maybe soon I will have more to write about.

P.S. - I am very excited to be selling my prints on my Facebook page. I want you to know about it!
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=151094034969373