I Need to Trust...Don't I?

I often keep most people in my real life out of my business. I'm always so scared that I'm going to be judged...I'm always so scared for that awkward quiet moment after you open you heart and mind to someone. When they are trying to come up with something to say that won't offend me...I just can't take the heat of judgement from others. Only God understands me fully.

Only He can judge us.

Don't feel like you need to give everyone all the answers. Social networks almost force us youth to regularly update our status; we often update in anger or sorrow and then regret our decision because we have so many questioning comments. Not to mention all the drama and bullying that comes with it...

Trust. Something I need to do less? Or is it something I need to do more, with people who are worth my trust? I'm just not sure I trust anyone anymore.
I'm so scared of people not liking me and judging me. I get judged by the clothes I wear and the way I act to conceal the fact that I am actually very shy.
Judgement scares me, so I try so hard everyday not to judge others. I have been told that I'm very good at not judging...but that's not true. I judge just like everyone else on this planet does. It's human nature. I've just learned how to hide it better than others do.

I want to trust again. I hate second thoughts. I hate always wondering if the "truth" is the truth. I don't know what to do....

I can only trust God, I suppose, and will never be absolutely sure of anything accept for my faith in this lifetime.

Judgement keeps the truth hidden as well. That's something for me to think about.

But for now, I want to make sure to say that I may keep my business to myself this time. I may keep all my secrets hidden away so that others can't judge me. It is probably not exactly the best thing to do in this situation....but who do I have to turn to? Who else could understand the situation completely? Who else has been through all that I have been through?
No one...so is that who I trust this time?

This is Truth.

I hope you know that.

The Art of Creating Art

A thought for the day that I do not want to lose...

Sometimes, I believe that the true art in a photograph is the behind the scenes action. The entire process of getting all the elements of an artwork is just as important as the artwork itself. Maybe someday I will follow a photographer around and create the art of the behind the scenes look at capturing art. Just another way to show the beauty and creativity of life as we know it.

Just a thought.

My Birthday

If I could choose, I know exactly what I would want for my birthday tomorrow.

It would have to be a kitten. Something that I could pick out to be my very own companion. I'm a dog person too, but with all the things going on in my life right now, a kitten would be better suited for me.
But, because I do not live on my own, and instead with my parents who will not allow cats, I can't have a kitten. I want one so badly, though...
My horse, Apache, does not live at my house. He lives at my uncle's house in a pasture that he loves very much. He is a perfect companion, but it is so hard to visit him every day...so he can't be there for me as much as I would like (look at me, talking about animals as if they are people. I am such an animal lover). My uncle lives on a farm, so he also has some cats. There are two kittens right now, and I would love it so much if I could take one home with me. It would mean so much.

But, I suppose that it will have to wait. I will be so happy when it is possible, because I would really like to cuddle with a cat of my own. Even now, as I write this blog post in order to keep my sanity under control, I would love to have a sleeping kitten on my lap.

I'll get one someday. And I think that I will call him Lynx :) and if I was fortunate enough to get two, I would call the other one Persian. Lynx and Persian...

I know that I said I was taking a break, but this somehow feels nice. This...blogging as if nothing is wrong thing. How pathetic. But, I don't mind.

Signing off. Until next time...

I Just Want to Disappear

So,
I think that I will.
But,
Maybe I will be back again.
If I can sort all of this out.
If I can understand.
If I can get better,
and fix all my broken pieces of me.

Who knows.
Only God.
and only him.

It's not up to me anymore. I am almost lost.

Is there hope?
Do miracles exist?
I don't know, but that is all I have left. Without it, I am as good as gone.

I love you.
Thank you.

Sincerely,

a broken heart, mind, and soul.
a broken me.

Dear Beautiful You,

You who deals with me. You who reads my problems. You who understands. You who chooses to care even though you barely know me.

You who loves me.

This is for you.

Thank you for all that you are. I love you.

How Very Selfish

Yesterday was rough.

Actually, I've been having a rough few weeks. I don't know what to think anymore. I pray and I pray and I pray but I feel so alone. Sometimes, I curl into a ball like a child and cry just because I don't know what else to do. I feel very pathetic, but I'm so lost.

I have two very tough decisions to make. The first is about my body...what to do about a problem that I want to fix so badly, but am afraid of the possible consequences. The research I have been doing isn't helping much. I was never a good researcher.
The second is about my relationship. It has been going so well I thought, but there are things in life that I just can't deal with...I just can't handle some things that stress me out to the absolute max. I'm starting to wonder if he is one of those things.
If I can't handle this anymore.

But, I'm afraid of what I will do no matter what the decision. I'm afraid...can I handle any of this at all?
I don't think so.

So what am I to do?
This is a time for waiting. For hoping that God will help me through. For being patient and letting the possibilities flow through me until I select what I hope to be the right one.
Is my decision lazy? Should I just run through and take charge of my life?
That is not who I am.
I am just so timid to change.

I just want this to be over. I just want to feel better.

Dear Diary,
am i depressed?
am i depressing?
am i helping others? no, today i think only of myself and my decisions. how very selfish of me :(

How Very Selfish.